5 Things I Hate About Walmart

Contrary to the latest fashion, I don’t hate Walmart… but there are some things about them that annoy me.

I don’t care about supposed slave labor, anti-competitive pricing, alleged increase in local crime rates, or the fact that they are just trying to make a buck.

They ARE a business, and that’s what businesses do: Try to make money.

Nope, what really bothers me can be found inside.

5. Greeters

Yep, it’s nice that they give older folk a job and a sense of belonging… just don’t inflict it on me. I’m not a social guy, and I rarely talk to strangers. I don’t really appreciate being forced into a conversation (no matter how brief) by an overzealous employee. I came to shop, get out of my @#$!ing way. If I wanted to socialize with senior citizens, I’d volunteer at an old folks home.

4. No Cold Soda In Bulk

Sure, if I want to overpay for a single at one of the small fridges at the checkout counter, I could do that. If I want a cold twelve pack of my favorite caffeinated beverage, I’m out of luck. What the hell is that? At least the beer is cold… probably won’t be by the time I get home and can actually drink it, but at least it’s cold if I want to go on a bender in the parking lot.

3. Impulse Items Beyond The Cash Registers

I’m not normally an impulse buyer, but sometimes when I see a $2 pack of Three Stooges films, I just gotta splurge. Why does Walmart put these items beyond the cash registers so that you see them AFTER you’ve made your purchases? If I want an impulse item, I have to grab it, have someone babysit my previous purchase, and then go wait in line again. Are they hoping I get in an endless consumer loop and keep returning to the cash register over and over, constantly discovering new things to buy?

2. Express Checkout

I tend to do my shopping en masse. I rarely have less than 30-40 items when I go to Walmart. Why are over half the checkout lanes 10 or 20 item limited? And why are the ‘slow’ lanes always closed? Sure, punish me for spending more money.

1. Anti-Smoking Conspiracy

Walmart must hate smokers, and the money they spend. Every Walmart I’ve ever been in sells cigarettes… but only in one checkout lane… and that checkout lane is one of the aforementioned ‘Express’ aisles. So I guess if you’re going to buy smokes at Walmart, they want you out of the building as quickly as possible, and don’t you DARE try to spend too much money on anything else.

Anti-smoking bigots. I hate you. I’ll see you next week when the groceries run low.

Matt Ellis is the outspoken co-host of the controversial podcast B!tch Sl@p, co-founder of Bag Of Mad Bastards, and frequent Walmart shopper. He can be reached by email: matt@bagofmadbastards.com.

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12 Comments

  1. The Only exercise I get every week is the 2 mile walk from my car to the from door… my god I wish I was Handi-capped

  2. My biggest gripe with them would be the restocking hour. I am a night owl! I love going shopping late at night because there isn’t anyone there! Especially on the weeknights! It’s perfect! In and out in a flash… unless I run late and get there past 12:30… the restocking methods for that store is hideous.
    While the restocking is going on, you can’t get any carts down certain isles that are being restocked, you’re constantly maneuvering around cardboard boxes thrown about, and it just ruins my perfect scheme of things… so avoid restocking hours at Wally World and everything is a good late night experience.

  3. Not only do you have to maneuver your way around the restocking mess, you have to deal with the stockers who can’t seem to understand that you just want to grab your stuff and go. Or that their jokes really aren’t funny. Or that their empty boxes are in the way. My biggest gripe though? No clothes in my size. Ever. They are always too big or too small. Walmart caters to the abnormally large and the abnormally small.

  4. Their is one thing I hate about Walmart. They don’t give their employees a Christmas bonus. While the owners of Walmart happen to be among the top 10 RICHEST PEOPLE
    in the world, they are so greedy that they won’t even share some of the wealth at Christmas time with the people that help put them in that spot. They don’t take care of their people like Publix does. Publix gives their full time employees 2 weeks pay as a Christmas bonus. Walmart will give their people a $25.00 gift certificate after 10 years of working with the company. That SUCKS! These owners are the richest people in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They can do better than that. Especially since their employees are working their butts off during the holidays. It’s sure to be the hardest time of the year for the employees, yet they are not rewarded in any way. Maybe they can buy a turkey with that whopping $25.00 dollars. Too bad they had to wait 10 years to get it.
    Meanwhile I am sure the Waltons are spending their MILLIONS ON LUXURIOUS CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR THEIR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. Maybe some of those Walmart employees can save enough from their pay throughout the year to put Christmas Dinner on the table with the help of that gift certificate. SHAME ON YOU WALMART!!!

  5. Honestly, I’m not that concerned about about Christmas bonuses.

    I’ve spent the last 15 years working for TWO Fortune 500 companies… I’ve never received a holiday bonus… in fact, in the 22 years I’ve been in the work force, I’ve only received one.

    It was a $25 gift certificate to Walmart.

    What I’m saying is THERE’S A REASON IT’S CALLED A ‘BONUS’ AND NOT A CHRISTMAS ‘WAGE’.

    Too many people in this world, and especially in this country, think that they are entitled to things they want.

    Certainly it would be nice of Walmart to give a bonus now and again, but it’s hardly a requirement, and if that makes them evil…. well… I guess every job I’ve ever had was for an evil corporation.

  6. The one complaint I consistently see about WM is the one regarding store restocking. First of all, ALL major retailers stock their stores at night when there are either no customers due to the store being closed, or a sparse few who shop during the wee hours. For everyone that has their panties in a twist about this, I ask you onequestion; when WOULD be a good time for them to stock and clean the store so as not to inconvenience you? The one thing you’re forgetting is that the reson you’re there shopping vs. another store is because they’re the onky ones open! So in exchange for being there in case you need a late night fix you’re going to run iinto messy aisles and a few minor inconveniences. Waaaaaaaa! Get over your holier than thou attitudes and realize the fact that the middle of the night is when ALL stores are stocking their shelves. The only reason you’re not complaining about the other ones is the fact that you can’t get in because they’re closed!

    • @JRNYMAN The story is clearly tagged as ‘humor’… and you are clearly tagged ‘moron’.

      There IS spell check built into the software; use it.

  7. @JRNYMAN Somebody sure has some strong feelings. The restocking is always a pain in our state because they leave whatever they do not finish stocking in the undersize aisles during the day. Which is usually crammed full of oversize woman with 20 kids.

    I like WM and shop there quite often. Every company has issues and there will always be complaints. Unless they started sacrificing babies or killing kittens right there in the store, I would still probably shop there and maybe even if they did… hehe. Read the story and laugh, or ask your mom to turn the content filter on in your router.

    @BombMatt, he probably didn’t see the ‘Humor’ tag because the Jeff Gordon hat that is hiding his mullet partially obstructed his view. It is times like this he wonders WWJD….

  8. only thing I have to say about walmart is the fact that they increase the expectation of consumers to think they can get a item of $60 worth of materials for 5. I’ve been working at target for about two years. I had a lady return a $25 vacuum because the suction wasn’t strong enough I asked her why she thought that looking at the specs and she said I was under the impression that it was as strong as a dyson. dysons retail for about 2-5 hundred dollars. really wanted to hand palm.

  9. ok this site is totally right i sooooooooooooooooooooooooo i agree walmarts suck. the lanes are way slow and never open, so right with the smoking part- i hate smoking-inever have never will but still ,come on! , i’m not a chatterbox either but my local walmart greeters talk way too much and i feel like an idiot talking to those weirdos in public in front of these atractive “females”, the drinks in like 12- packs are never cold, and i hate going in lines over and over again for impulse items! there is only 1 i reapeat 1 walmart in our fair country that i like but its like really really far from where i live which suck so much. And one day i went to buy a shredder and when i open it its all sticky like syrup i went to return it and the freakin idiot of a manager of a super walmart he said uh sorry we don’t sell those return it to where you bought it sir and i said what the frick is your problemo! well what if i bought this in hawii or california do i really want to back there!(i live far from those places and far i live in vermont) and this happened to me twice and it happened 7 different times. i hate frick’n idiotic walmarts.tey SUCK EGGS.

  10. ok i forgot to say that walmarts are ran by frick’n idiotic dummies wackos and MORONS! and for your fyi “BOMB MATT” @ JRNYMAN is no moron nor am i nor u nor anyone else well maybe ifew people in this mad world like everyone who tries to bomb our fair and angelic country, the US of A!

    oh and above or in my 1st comment its says “somking-ineverthat” inever is a “i never”

  11. Walmart treats their employees like dirt…they brag about open door policy and preach about kindness yet do not practice what they preach..they could care less about their customers too.


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